The modern political scene in Washington is very different from the traditional environment. Consequently, the President requires a whole additional set of advisors. Here are some of the positions that are absolutely essential in the modern world.
The Minister of Tweet. Every president in the modern age needs someone who can get his message into the social media immediately. I mean isn't everybody interested in what the president had for lunch or who he's entertaining in the White House? Of course, if there had been tweeting while JFK was entertaining in the White House, even Tiger Woods might have been jealous.
The Minister of Fray. Today Washington is so partisan that the public is getting fed up with politics as usual. Therefore, there has to be a minister whose job it is to make sure that the President is always being perceived as above the fray. God forbid, that the President be perceived as being in the fray, or even below the fray, whatever that means.
The Minister of Fiscal Restraint. The public doesn't want to see its President get 0 haircuts or extravagant personal items. The trick here is that it's OK for the President to be treated like royalty for state business, but if he calls Putin in Russia to chat about Ana Kournikova, then he needs to use a prepaid calling card.
The Minister of Fox News. This minister must spend all day watching every minute of Fox News in order to prepare the President with just the right thing to say to counter the accusations of Fox. The trick here is for the President to be able to deny he ever watches Fox, while actually knowing more about Glenn Beck than any sane person would want to know.
The Minister of Effigy. Luckily, the current President doesn't have much need for this position as of now. This minister and all his staff are responsible for keeping track of all foreign countries whose populations stage rallies burning the American President in effigy. If President Bush were still in office, this would also double as a jobs plan.
The Minister of National Defence Perception. As opposed to national defence itself, this minister is only responsible for having the President appear to be tough and have a predilection for violence. We're talking about images such as the president killing ants with a hammer, quietly rapping to himself during cabinet meetings, and spending evenings with Sean Penn beating up the Paparazzi.
